I had to stop dealing in absolutes

I’m sharing my story in the hope that it may be beneficial to others who have been in similar situations, or share some of the same challenges I have experienced. I am 53 years old and have spent a considerable portion of my life battling substance use, anxiety and panic disorder, dysthymia (chronic mild depression), and physical pain.

I have been a patient with QuickMD for several years now and they have been an instrumental part of my care team. Making the decision to stop using substances is a big one. It takes courage and bravery to accept the idea that life can be better without the use of drugs.

I have stopped using drugs many times in my life. Oftentimes it was forced. Other times, which proved to be more successful, I arrived at that decision on my own. The one thing I can say with absolute certainty is that quitting drugs will only work if someone truly wants to stop. I have kicked drugs many times for other people. Mostly for people who I love like my parents, family, friends, etc. Sometimes it was due to legal obligations brought on by the State and Federal Government. Though, honestly, I have had some of the best times of my life using drugs.

Early treatment, and the first real stretch of being clean

I used, abused, and sold heroin, cocaine and pharmaceuticals for years. I entered my first day of treatment center at the age of 21 and began the process of detoxing off of heroin and cocaine. I didn’t buy into any of the steps and thought that I was different from everyone in the treatment center.

Over time, I realized that despite all of the differences, people are generally in the same boat when they begin to clean up. It is not about the differences but how similar everyone is regarding addiction. I never sincerely attempted to get clean until I made the decision myself.

I was an in-patient for over a year in North Berkeley at New Bridge Foundation. I started in the short term program and due to legal obligations, moved over to long term treatment. I made the decision to listen to everything I was told and give recovery a chance. I participated in aftercare and graduated the Bridge 1 program two years later. That was the best thing I could have done. I stayed clean for 3 and a half years, which provided me with the foundation to build on moving forward.

What I learned about recovery

Despite many relapses and ultimately making the decision to make my own way without any 12 step program, religion or otherwise, I will always look upon that time fondly. I still use what I learned to this day. I also know that when getting clean, it is imperative to place as much distance between yourself and whatever drug and or previous lifestyle during active addiction. I needed the distance to put my life in perspective, obtain clarity and adjust my thinking.

I made the mistake many times of getting stuck in the belief that there is only one way to stop using drugs. I was told that I would have to constantly live in meetings, only spend time with people who were sober, never pick up another substance for the remainder of my life, etc. While all of this direction has merritt, and I am grateful that I did attend 12 step meetings, got a sponsor, stayed away from sketchy situations and environments, and did whatever I had to so I did not shoot drugs.

Despite my efforts it was not ultimately how I changed my life although it helped. After years of trial and error, major surgeries and illness, spending a lot of time working with my psychiatrist and primary care physician(s), and a great deal of soul searching, I landed in a place where I have not only gained control of my life, but changed it for the better. I initially started this process in 1998 although it was not until 2006 that it finally stuck.

I can say that was the year I began to change and have ultimately carved out a beautiful life for myself. I am a highly functional, spiritual, and very happy person. I have a beautiful wife and daughter. We have cats that we love. I am close with my parents and siblings and have all of those relationships back in my life.

I managed to work my way into a career in property management and do very well professionally. I write all the time, play music, skateboard, swim, surf, love films, hike, and do everything else in my life that I enjoy. I used to hear an expression in the rooms at NA that getting clean gave addicts a second chance at a first class life. While I thought that it was a bit corny at the time, I realize that there is a lot of truth in it. Getting clean off of heroin and cocaine (speedballs) was instrumental in improving my life. I also took other facets of the program very seriously such as making amends, repairing what damage I could, forgiving myself and moving forward.

On change and connection

Learning from the past and moving forward is mandatory to success. I also realize that loving myself, which includes forgiveness, is crucial to change. Change is painful. If it is not, then it is my opinion that more change is needed. Nothing genuine can be obtained without putting in the necessary effort and allowing oneself to feel everything. With pain comes growth and anything that is worth the effort is going to take hard work and not suppressing pain and discomfort but feeling it and moving past it. For me, that is the only way to truly grow and change.

I also feel like it is important to be spiritually connected to something. It can be anything. I learned that it does not have anything to do with religion. For me, it is about connection, love, helping others and letting go of ego. I initially used The Force from Star Wars as a higher power and still do. I am more of a practicing Buddhist although I don’t label myself as such. Mother Nature is a big one. Whenever I think of a power greater than myself, I look to the ocean. That is most definitely more powerful than I am and I have been thrashed around in big waves enough in my life to understand that this power is most definitely greater than I am.

Again, it can be anything but the point is that connection to others and a solid idea(s) that there are a lot of powers greater than I am that are instrumental in moving forward. I also feel the need to emphasize the importance of living life without solely relying on the influence of others. People are going to give a lot of advice and direction on “the best or the only” way to recover and stay clean. Everyone is different and has their own path.

There is not one single way to get clear of addiction. You don’t HAVE to do anything in order to get clean. Find out what works for you and run with it. That is not to say listening is not important. There are people in the rooms and in life in general that have a great amount of wisdom and have been through the process before.

On 12-step culture

It is crucial to remain teachable and open minded. To try different tactics and not let ego get in the way of positive advice and direction. It is not about following orders, but drawing from experience and using what works for you while letting the rest go. I found that counting clean time was not something that worked for me. People use clean time as a bench mark for success although it can also hinder progress as well as intimidate someone who can’t get clean for a day.

One of the things I realized is that the 12 step rooms are groups of people that are recovering from addiction and just because someone has a lot of time off of drugs, that does not mean that they are living a healthy life. Drugs are not the problem. It is the behavior that drives the use and just because you take the substances away, there is still the work that needs to be done.

I want to state that I am not against any form of recovery groups, programs, etc. I only want to make it clear that when someone is trying to get clear of drugs, there is a lot of work that needs to be done beyond simply not using. There is also no shortage of people willing to help. Most of it comes from positive intentions, although there is also a lot of preaching and ego driven directions from fellow addicts.

Growing up in the Bay Area

I grew up in Northern California in the Bay Area. I had a good time growing up and spent most of my time in the pool, ocean, riding skateboards, BMX bikes, hanging out with friends on my swim team, and just being a kid. Growing up with groups of kids of all ages admittedly allowed me knowledge and access to music, films, and other facets of life that were extremely fun and ahead of my time.

I fell in love with rock music of all forms. Mostly Punk Rock, Thrash Metal, and Hard Rock. I was also very into 80’s synthesizer driven Pop music, which some would call American New Wave. I listened to Jazz music as well as Reggae & Ska. I tried beer, booze, wine and tobacco in grade school although not in excess and honestly, I preferred the sugar contained in the candy we ate from the snack shacks at all of our swim meets, soccer games and other sports that peddled food.

My father’s death

Although things were seemingly happy and normal to the outside world, my household was in turmoil and declining quickly in the early 1980’s. My father suffered from his own addictions and issues with substances. He drank alcohol openly and utilized other agents such as pills, cannabis and cocaine privately. I watched him decline the past two years of his life which broke my heart but also created a stressful, scary and unhealthy environment at home.

I was close to my Dad, my Mom and little brother and I weathered the storm and simply tried to keep our heads above water. The night before Thanksgiving of 1984, my father collapsed and was rushed to Alta Bates Hospital in Berkeley to never be discharged again. He died December 15, 1984. At that time, life turned upside down for a while. It was difficult to pinpoint what emotions I was feeling from one minute to the next.

I was scared, sad, angry, felt hopeless, and was having what I learned later were rolling panic attacks and severe anxiety, which I still deal with to this day. My Mom, little brother and I pulled together and moved forward. When I was 13 years old, my Mom remarried. She is still with my Dad, who I consider my second Dad as he raised me from a young age. My little brother and I had a new older brother and sister from my folks’ marriage and life forged ahead from there.

A stable home, and old wounds

My family was a stable and loving force. We did not have to worry about food, shelter, or any essential items and my life was a lot more secure. I even had the space to pursue academics and excelled in swimming and water polo all the way through college and even played for the United States Junior National Water Polo team briefly.

Despite all of this, I still felt all of the anxiety and fear that I always had. Lafayette, California is an upper middle class suburb of the San Francisco Bay Area and was an excellent place to grow up. There were creeks, parks, school corridors we skateboarded in, large open spaces, lots of pools, and other areas that made it easy to have a good time. Despite the often times racist, sexist, homophobic nature of the Oakland suburb and the people living in it, it was a beautiful place to grow up.

It was simply crucial to witness and learn from the often times, fascist, awful, hateful undercurrents of society there. We were also on a Bart train line. We had access to the entire Bay Area by way of the silver cars gliding across the Bay Area, from Daly City to Concord over to Richmond, and down to Fremont. The tracks at that time were not as vast and did not span as far as they do now but were certainly big enough to get us where we wanted to go throughout the Bay Area.

Through high school, I played water polo and spent time writing, hanging with friends, swimming, skateboarding, biking, and doing anything else to pass the time and get through the days. My mental and physical conditions followed me. My kyphosis in my lower back got more painful. It did not hold me back, but did make my lower back feel like it was being jabbed by a sharp object at times. I chalked my mental issues such as anxiety and feeling hopeless to my childhood experience with all of the battles that were waged in our household prior to my father’s death. I was also painfully shy so it gave me an internal pass to be as visibly anti-social as I could get away with.

Finding relief in swimming

I continued skateboarding, swimming and water polo into high school and began writing all of the time which by default helped me with my anxiety and feelings of depression, feeling out of place, emotionally numb, sad or afraid. Being so dedicated and advancing so quickly in water polo gave me discipline and focus. I found that spending hours in the pool swimming endless laps provided me the space I needed in order to meditate.

I would swim for hours and reside in my mind. Clearing it. Let it handle all the data flowing through it. I would swim while writing stories in my mind. I would clear it or focus on a particular beat or count. I would sing songs in my mind. It was therapy by default. Swimming allowed me to work my body and mind. Physically and in my head. It has always been a gift and I swim to this day as well as encourage my daughter to do so.

How substance use progressed

I found myself drinking more alcohol as I got older and the years passed. When I was 17-18 years old, I was drinking alcohol several times a week and smoking Cannabis. I had taken codeine a few times by default after dental surgeries, coughs, or other injuries. I was no stranger to the warm itch that codeine provided when ingested. Especially in cough syrup with promethazine. My substance use went from there forward.

My experience was by the numbers. I was drinking and smoking pot. I started to take pills and psilocybin and eventually LSD 25 and MDMA. I smoked methamphetamine and smoked and injected heroin soon after.

Then, at 20 years old, it was shooting heroin and cocaine that took me to the first place where my substance use became a reality and was a driving force in my decisions as well as self-control. Over time, I became more and more dependent on the needle and started losing everything in my life that was important to me. My habit began to force my hand and I started giving up more and more positive aspects of myself.

The healthy activities I engaged in regarding athletics started to disappear. I sold my belongings for drugs. I dropped out of school at UC Davis and used all of my tuition money and loans for the needle. My daily heroin, cocaine and pill habit was increasing and the financial burden of my habit was growing. I started making more and more concessions and allowances for my behavior as well as letting things that were important to me take a back seat to my next shot.

In the span of 14 years, from 1993 to 2006, I found myself strung out on heroin and cocaine, prescription drugs, methamphetamine, psychedelics, and alcohol. Booze was more of something that was utilized to make pills stronger and a cheap way to get out of my head. It never had too many legs and I never lost myself in the bottle. Not like the many other substances I have used, abused, and utilized for most of my life.

I have been in detox/rehabilitation centers. Ten, to be exact including in-patient, out-patient, long term, short term, and quick detox attempts on the floor on mats with several other people kicking the sheets right next to me in municipal detox centers.

Diagnoses, and the closest calls

I have been diagnosed with chronic mild depression with major depressive disorders, anxiety and panic disorder, OCD at times, suicidal ideations with two formal attempts. I have stolen, lied, cheated those I have loved. I have prostituted myself for drugs and money. I have lived in penthouses with unlimited bank accounts down to the streets of San Francisco, Berkeley, and Oakland. Crashing in residential hotels and shooting galleries.

I have had periods of consistent clean time. Up to 3.5 years of abstinence. With the exception of caffeine, nicotine, sugar and sex, I did not engage in any behaviors that were addictive in nature. I have been in recovery meetings and worked up through step 9 in AA and NA programs. I have been brought back to life in the emergency room from drug overdoses.

The second to last suicide attempt or half attempt was in January 1998. I was in San Diego and decided to take a handful of opiates and benzodiazepines and gave myself a hot shot. Way too much heroin and cocaine in the spoon. I drew it back and fired the whole hit at once. I remember my friend Sammy yelled out to me, and then I woke up in the ER later that evening. I remember small events leading up to the ER, but they are pieces of events and conversations. Just parts of a puzzle in my mind.

Getting arrested, and finally getting to treatment

As time went on, I finally found reprieve in North Berkeley at Newbridge Foundation. I spent over a year in long term treatment. I had pending state and federal drug charges looming over my head. I was living in San Diego when I was arrested and held for three days in city jail. I was released on my own recognisance where I was provided with a court date. Little did I know I received a federal DUI 16 hours before being arrested by the city police in Pacific Beach.

I was under the influence of heroin, codeine, cocaine, methamphetamine, diazepam, clonazepam, and had Cannabis in my system. When I received the federal ticket, it was for a DUI, possession and being under the influence of drugs and alcohol. I had a jar of pharmaceuticals that the feds gave back to me as they wrote me a ticket, towed my friend Brigita’s car and put me in a cab. I was picked up in Pacific Beach north of downtown San Diego 18 hours after.

I had taken most of my pills and the rest spilled from my pockets when the police searched me prior to arresting me and putting me in the back of their car. Once I was released from jail, I dropped more pills, two hits of LSD/blotter, drank two 40 Oz bottles of Mickey’s Malt liquor, and got on a Greyhound bus back to the Bay Area. I knew I needed to get clean but did not know exactly how I was going to check in somewhere.

I spent the first night back in the Bay Area in the San Francisco Mission District and was back in the Royan Hotel once again. I had been in San Diego for seven months. My dear friends that I considered family in that hotel were still living the same life I continued to try and break away from. Two of them were like surrogate parents to me while I was out there. I worked for them bagging and selling balloons as well as shooting up for months on end.

There were a lot of people that were and are very special to me that I knew when I was using and at my worst. Whenever I would get clean, I was told that the people I associated with when I was using were not really my friends and they should be avoided. While I understood the importance of separating from people who were still using, I never bought into the lie that the people I was close to in the drug world were somehow just using me or were evil. I would be dead if it were not for the relationships I had when I was using and I wouldn’t change those relationships for anything.

I was there when most of them died as they were a lot older than I was at the time. These people will always reside in my heart and were true friends. After returning to the Royan Hotel in the SFC Mission District, we injected speedballs and I dropped quite a few pills that night. We caught up with each other and I told them I was leaving to get clean. After an emotional goodbye, I left the hotel the next morning and I took bart from the city to the East Bay.

Checking in

With the help of my parents, I ended up getting checked into Walnut Creek Hospital under a psychiatric suicide watch which was 72 hours. Then, I was placed on Prozac and ended up at New Bridge Foundation in Berkeley. That was where I would stay for over a year and obtain my first decent stretch of clean time.

A lot happened from 1998 to 2001. I continued to experience anxiety and panic attacks, was depressed, and was still running off of fear a lot of the time. I was going to meetings and trying to find my way.

Ultimately, the day came where it made more sense returning to the needle as I was in a lot of physical and emotional pain. I had been diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease which was an interesting phenomenon dealing with a chronic disease while clean and off drugs. The debate over medication vs toughing the pain out was a conflict.

Everyone has their own opinions when it comes to the best way to live life drug free. People drop a lot of rules on others and waste no time expounding on how great their lives are now that they are not blowing someone in the front seat of a car to obtain a five piece of a crack rock to torch. As I mentioned earlier, a lot of folks mean well when they clean up.

Some folks do not exactly have the best intentions and some are downright cruel or not nice people. The rooms in the program are basically a microcosm of society and the world at large. If you take substances out of a bunch of addicts’ lives, there are other ways that the character defects seem to manifest. It was easy filling the spiritual hole left empty by the lack of chemicals with other vices. Sex, gambling, shopping, hobbies, ego, status, you name it. Simply taking a drug out of one’s hands does not make a virtuous person.

I suppose the turning point came to me in a few different forms. I realized that the first thing necessary to get clear of any addiction beyond stopping the use of drugs, is to implement some form of self-care and love. I find that if I cannot take care of myself, I am unable to take care of anyone else. I realized that getting strung out on drugs and living in the gutters and squats of many cities, staying wasted, going to punk rock, thrash metal, and other shows, selling and buying drugs on the streets and corners of various neighborhoods, was a life that I needed to get clear of for a good long while.

Initially, I found it was crucial to let go of ego and the strong sense of self that I formulated while being out in the drug wars and not letting that identity define me any longer. It is important to recognize that sort of ego will keep me or anyone out there running instead of doing the right thing which for me was living a healthy life. I also needed to accept the fact that I had several medical conditions which I needed to embrace rather than run from. From anxiety, depression, kyphosis, Crohn’s Disease, addiction, every one of these conditions can be dealt with in a healthy manner. After years of toil and trial and error, I have had the good fortune to have arrived at a place of understanding and the ability to live with whatever is happening with my health.

Choosing to feel the detox

Whenever the prospect of quitting anything hits the table, it makes me start to think of how I can get to where I want to be with the least amount of resistance. When kicking two and a half grams of heroin, a gram and a half of cocaine and bottles of tranquilizers, pain medication, muscle relaxers, nausea medication, sedatives, stimulants, etc., every day for months on end, coming down the mountain is an experience that is unlike any other.

When I was in detox and rehabilitation centers from 1994 to 2002, things were a bit different in treatment centers. There were also a wide variety of rehabs, transitional housing models, detox centers, and hospitals with dedicated wings for mental health disorders in general. From speedballs, eating disorders, suicidal tendencies, this was the wing of the hospital that dealt with the above disorders and situations. This went on for several years.

I would kick my habit, stay clean from anywhere between 30-120 days, and then start chipping again. I would convince myself that I could handle it, that I wouldn’t get caught, and that I could shoot dope on a casual basis. This almost never worked and resulted in many long, sleepless, cold turkey detoxes and rehabilitation stints.

I was in my second treatment center in New Bridge Foundation in North Berkeley in 1995 after day treatment less than a year prior in 1994. New Bridge was the place where I actually got clean. I found myself back in New Bridge in 1998 and stayed clean for 3.5 years. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease at 27 years old and it was a battle fighting that disease while trying to stay clean. Dealing in absolutes and refusing any medication was actually making the situation more unhealthy and worse.

I ended back in New Bridge in the short term, private pay program and went through one of the worst detoxes in my life. I was coming off of a lot of heroin, cocaine, and pharmaceutical drugs. I had been using all of it for about two months and I was severely strung out. I was offered buprenorphine, lorazepam, clonidine patches, and acetaminophen and naproxen sodium. I opted for the over the counter pain killers, although I declined everything else. I felt it was important to really feel the detox that had fallen upon me.

I wanted to really burn the withdrawal process and pain into my mind so I would always remember that the detox off of these substances was a nightmare, extremely painful emotionally and physically, and it was like running a marathon of discomfort and mental toil for about 15 days. Then, the legs became a little less restless. I could lay still and sleep for 20 minutes straight and wake up feeling comfortable and a bit more peaceful each day. The nightmares started to subside and I was able to eat solid food. Then, it was time to face life again. With every detox and every trip to rehabs, clean and sober houses, etc., I learned more and more. Every time I stopped my intake of substances, I focused on what I learned from my time back out there. On the street. In the trenches. In detox. It was all a learning experience.

Learning not to deal in absolutes

When I first started getting in trouble with my family, friends, work, etc., I just tried to stay as clean as I could and not get caught when I began using again. I realized as the years passed that for me, dealing in absolutes was going to be the very thing that contributed to my demise.

I have always had my moral compass, which I strayed from at times but is mostly reliable and healthy. I learned that substances, like anything that can be abused, are just agents. They are not good or bad. People are, for the most part, not totally evil or completely good in their behavior and what they do.

Everything is a situation and I realized that it was imperative that keeping an open mind and not dealing in absolutes was mandatory for peace of mind in addition to being able to use everything I can to my advantage to get where I need to go. That includes substances. I have had large chunks of time where I was not on any drugs other than caffeine, nicotine and sugar.

As I got older and entered my early 30s, I realized that I was going to have to make peace with my addiction and do whatever I needed to do in order to make drugs work for me and not the other way around. I had battled with the needle on and off for 12 years. I had been on pills just as long and continued to utilize them as needed past my last shot in 2006 to today.

Making peace with substances

With Crohn’s Disease, anxiety, chronic, mild depression, abdominal pain spanning to my lower back and life in general, necessitated finding a way through the darkness and self deception that was helping fuel the fire inside driving me to take myself out. Either by suicide with a deliberate hot shot, or an accidental OD, I figured when my time was up, it was up.

I did not look as far ahead as I do now. A lot of things change that. For starters, I did need to stop any use with the needle. I was getting enough hits of junk and tranquilizers in the hospital for surgeries and realized that the way injected drugs hit was too much to try and manage. One of the most important strengths for me is knowing my weaknesses inside and out. I have had benders where I smoked a good amount of cocaine, although even the rush of smoking crack and taking opiates and tranquilizers is incredible, it is not the same as shooting a speedball and taking some diazepam or clonazepam as a base coat.

I have always believed in approaching life with a positive mindset. I have implemented various spiritual practices and ideologies that have helped me navigate addiction and life in general. One of which is Anarchist thinking. Not as a political stand but a personal way of approaching and tackling problems in life. Using Anarchy to understand dominance and obtain liberation from religion, society, government, and beyond. That way of thinking, of understanding control and circumventing it, along with a loving, spiritually connected center and non-judgemental attitude have allowed me to get through any problem I have to surmount in life.

Once I found out I could understand something and view it with an open mind with no ego behind it, I could make sense of it. If I can make sense of something, I can write about it. Write about it in my mind or put it on paper or a document. The concept of meetings and a power greater than oneself, are important. I believe in a higher power although that is more like Mother Nature, the Universe, energy, connection, love, etc. The list is vast. It comes down to liberating the mind into acceptance and compassion.

If I understand a particular force, such as the power substances have over me, I can take measures over time in a healthy manner to make peace with it and not control it but circumvent the control it has. To take a negative force, pain, conflict and flip it and use the pain to my advantage. Living in the drug wars in the 1990s and into the 2000s all the way through 2022, I had a long stretch of time where I was making moves and doing what I had to do to get by in the most selfless and loving way I could and know how.

I also try to help as many people as I can and show up for my family. That is my family and extended family, which is basically everyone I love that is part of my life. To stay functional, healthy, and show up for myself and everyone else, I made my primary goal letting go of attachment, ego, realizing that the mind is malleable. It can be pushed, tested, strained, stretched, and utilized to achieve unbelievable beautiful things.

With drugs, I came to the realization that if they had the power to keep me bagging, selling and shooting for years in San Francisco, Berkeley, Oakland, Santa Rosa, Los Angeles, San Diego, and beyond, it was imperative that I not only respected substances as well as used them to my advantage and not the other way around. I have received no shortage of speeches from people in the rooms telling me that it is impossible to get addicted and use drugs at a later time and not have some disaster befall me. I have had people I love, out of fear tell me that it cannot be done. I understand that this is fear based and I not only understand what I am being told but embrace any love that comes from concern from people who love me.

What I take today, and why

The reality is that I have never really stopped utilizing pills. Opiates, tranquilizers, muscle relaxers, anti-nausea medication, stimulants on occasion, Crohn’s drugs like TNF blockers, blood pressure medication. It is all there. I arrived at a place where I take buprenorphine HCL, clonazepam and or diazepam, promethazine and baclofen daily and they all allow me the quality of life I have always strived to obtain. The other prescription medication I utilize are Crohn’s drugs and I use an epi-pen to inject Humira into my stomach which is basically a biological immunosuppressive drug to prevent any flare ups in my gut or intestinal tract.

Beyond prescription drugs, I utilize psychedelic agents as well as Cannabis and all its analogs. CBD, CBG, CBC, CBN, THC, THC-V, etc. They all help tremendously. With psychedelics, it is basically anything that converts down to psilocybin and or psilocin in the body. Nothing further. Basically psilocybin mushrooms or an agent such as 4-HO-DET. A bit milder than LSD-25, DMT, Ketamine, or raw MDMA. Those had their place in the past although they were initially utilized for recreation and further to get my mind right at different times.

I have been known to drink alcohol every now and then although I never make it a habit to drink more than 2-4 drinks at a time and I generally don’t drink alcohol at all anymore. The trade off is too harsh. Alcohol is also referred to as spirits and honestly, the booze does something to mine. I don’t go into a rage or get abusive. It is more of an effect not unlike heroin and cocaine, only in a different way. The common ground to it all is that I basically check out of reality once I start drinking and tend to avoid reality as a general rule. Similar to that of shooting drugs in a bathroom or dark room all day. Cutting, bagging, selling and ultimately, shooting. I spent the majority of my time in the SFC Mission District doing just that. I dealt pills off and on as well downtown San Francisco but not for as long and it was very brief.

The night of July 6, 2005

The lessons I have learned with drugs, just like any other vice, is that if they become the main focus of life, or a method of erasing it, they are extremely dangerous and the ultimate demise of anyone who does not respect their power. For me, it is not all about one thing or the other. It is about maintaining balance.

In the beginning, when I first landed in detox and was shooting drugs to run from reality, I was unable to control anything in my life including how many times I shot up. Every day, in and out, my mission was to shoot dope. Everything else was basically just a means to an end.

If I continue to write about active addiction, this will turn into one long war story which is not what I want. In being honest, I realize that I may have come across like I have obtained control over substances, or that it is a good idea to continue to use substances despite all of the damage and wreckage that has occurred. This cannot be further from the truth.

My experience is just that. My experience. My story. The way it worked out has provided me with a vast amount of insight and in using the knowledge I have to my advantage has allowed me to not only learn a great deal, but to gain a grand amount of wisdom. I realize that dealing in absolutes doesn’t work for me. I operate and reside in a much different place than I ever expected. I realize that forces such as selfishness, ego, destructive behavior, arrogance, the hunger for power, etc., constantly running from my own truth, and being selfish are the behaviors that will destroy me.

I have been addicted, angry, suicidal, arrogant, selfish, operating in a reality that was all about survival at the cost of everyone I love. I have been unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel for many years. I have never had any problem accepting that I am a drug addict. Being a junkie allowed me to travel down many paths of self destruction and hatred. It allowed me to justify behaving in patterns that caused myself and everyone who loves me to hurt.

I remember sitting on the stairs outside of the old Victorian house where I lived on the night of July 6, 2005. I had just injected the last rig of heroin and cocaine and washed a handful of dilaudid, oxycodone, clonazepam, diazepam, baclofen and promethazine down with a 24 Oz bottle of Smirnoff apple liquor. I looked at my watch and it was around 11:42 pm.

I banked the remainder of my pills for my wake up and sat on the steps of 12th Street in West Oakland. The traffic on Adeline Street was sparse. I heard some claps in the distance. Gunfire rang out from Acorn housing projects that were down around the corner. The noise on the street was audible but distant. The rush from the speedball was fading and my hearing was returning from a distant echo into the forefront of my mind. I pulled out the last cigarette from my pack and sat on the steps sipping the remainder of my beverage and smoking my Marlboro Red. Once I was finished, I went inside and fell asleep. That was the moment I began to truly change. It didn’t come all at once and at the time, I didn’t realize it was even happening.

The next morning

The next morning, on July 7, 2005, I woke up and took a handful of pills and sat on the same steps drinking my coffee. I contemplated skateboarding down to the liquor store to buy another pack of cigarettes. I had been smoking for 10 years. I started in 1995 in New Bridge which was my second stint in rehab. I needed a vice at the time as I was coming off of a heavy run and wanted something to do with my time in between groups.

New Bridge was a different type of rehab in 1995. It was structured around behavior modification and structured a bit like the military in a lot of respects. We had shaving and clothing inspections, we were required to make our beds and clean the entire facility on the weekends. It was in the old Hearst Mansion in North Berkeley in the East Bay Area. Honestly, that was the best place for me at that time and I ended up going back two more times. I ultimately got clean based on a great deal of knowledge and discipline I learned from New Bridge.

These days, cellphones are allowed in treatment centers. The rules have become more lax and the programs are centered in knowledge and group therapy although a lot of the facets of the treatment plans are not grounded in confrontation or calling folks out on their nonsense. While I don’t personally sign off on a lot of confrontations and hostile attacks in treatment centers, I do believe that some components of that are beneficial as they do press people to confront their self-deception and lies. The tactics force people to reflect and really take a look at the justification and lies that addicts tell themselves when drugs take hold.

Suffice to say, while I do think there needs to be a balance, I am a firm believer in rehabilitation that is structured, does not have too much room for nonsense, and enables addicts with the discipline to live with the necessary skills to handle life and all of its challenges. Since July 7, 2005, I have encountered quite a bit. Taking drugs away does not mean that life will not continue to show up and it is important to remember that just because a drug or drugs is removed from the day to day, life can and will be just as challenging. It is beautiful and tragic. Sadness and suffering continue to show up and all of the obstacles that come with it.

The last time I used a needle

That was not the last day I used a needle. Over a year later, in the fall of 2006, I found myself back in the Mission District in San Francisco. I was doing a lot of drugs and although at this time, I was extremely functional, had survived two major surgeries, and had my physical health back for the most part, I was in no way immune from substances or the hurdles of active addiction and use. That night, in the span of about 16 hours, I had managed to get high on opiates, tranquilizers, muscle relaxers, and anti-nausea medication, I also found myself snorting methamphetamine and heroin.

Toward the end of the run the next morning, one of my best friends, Tony, pulled out a fresh pack of Beckton and Dixon insulin syringes. The bag contained 10 brand new needles which were stashed and just waiting for someone to come across them in the closet. Tony told me he was going to, “play doctor.” We had a little less than a half gram of crystal which we split into two. I had not shot drugs in about a year and four months. I was at a crossroads and suffice to say, logic and reason did not win out.

I asked for one of the outfits. Tony reminded me that I may want to rethink my decision as he knew I had not injected anything in well over a year. I had certainly taken pills consistently since my last shot in July. Tony and I were really close. We played music together in the rehearsal space which was on Hyde and Ellis next to Hyde Street Studios. Tony and our other friends were all battling addictions to opiates and tranquilizers although not many people were using needles yet due to the San Francisco Needle Exchange program and the fact that they were readily available, it was not a shock that there would be clean needles around constantly.

I took my crystal and broke it down in a spoon, drew it up and went into the bathroom so I could use the mirror. I took off my shirt and held my breath. Before too long, the veins I grew to rely so much on surfaced from the sides of my neck. I hit the spike and felt that all too familiar prick of the needle. In an extremely familiar fashion, I ensured the point was in my vein, drew the plunger back drawing blood into the barrel and slowly pressed the plunger forward. I withdrew the needle and looked at myself in the mirror as the speed washed over me.

About seven seconds after the plunger hit the front of the barrel, I could smell the chemicals in the back of my nose. The rush hit me with force and everything became distorted. The euphoria from the rush took hold and my vision was affected by various light and color. I felt weightless. The walls were bleeding upside down. My mind was racing as if I was going lightspeed in the Millennium Falcon across the galaxy in some Star Wars universe. I continued to stare at myself in the mirror for a few minutes trying to get my bearings.

After a few minutes, my reality began to balance out and I left the mirror and sat on the toilet next to the sink. The rush was still lingering and I was racing. There was a stream of blood running from the side of my neck down my chest. I cleaned up and went back into Tony’s room. We decided at that point to take a walk around the Mission and downtown to the Tenderloin. We stopped at a coffee shop and got some tea. We were racing from the speed and needed to walk for a while.

At this point it was about five am. We made it downtown and stopped on Eddy and Turk to speak with some dealers that were on the corner by the cafe. I took out a wad of cash and replenished my supply of benzodiazepines such as diazepam, clonazepam and lorazepam. I also stocked up on oxycodone, hydrocodone, hydromorphone, oxymorphone, and codeine. I even felt the need to purchase more speed in the form of a bottle of methylphenidate 10 milligram tablets despite the fact my body was already saturated with amphetamine.

After leaving the corner, we stopped at Golden Gate and Larkin and I picked up two dubs of high grade heroin to smoke that evening since the methamphetamine was going to be in my system for a good amount of time. I figured I was going to need more than a few Klonopin and Oxycontin pills to come down. We walked through China Town, walked south until we reached the pan handle at the edge of the Haight, and headed through the Western Addition until we finally arrived in the Castro District.

This would enable us to walk down the hill until we reached Dolores Park and Tony’s flat on 18th and Dolores. On the way, we stopped at a flat where there was a party the night before. We were planning on going to this party but due to unforeseen circumstances, never made it. At least not until the next morning. The result of this random house call was a trade. It so happened that the three people who threw the party had been up all night doing cocaine. Not freebase but powder.

They asked if we were holding any downers. I proposed a trade. I was able to obtain over a quarter gram of powder cocaine in exchange for 4, 10 milligram diazepam tablets. Seeing as I not only had a prescription for 60 pills a month, but had a small stockpile of blue number 10 pills on me, I used supply and demand to my advantage. I offered 4 pills for the cocaine and came away with well over a quarter gram of powder. Apparently, these folks were not privy to the abundance of benzodiazepines available in the Tenderloin and how little each pill cost. For basically $8.00, we walked with a good amount of cocaine. At least a good amount for injecting.

We walked back to Tony’s flat and broke out the kit. I took a chunk of big H and cooked it down into my spoon. It was probably a little under a quarter gram, but I wanted to use caution considering I had not injected drugs for some time until that morning. I split the coke with Tony and poured what I had into the spoon and stirred it around. Once it dissolved, I tossed a small cotton ball into the mixture and drew it back into my needle. The barrel was a very dark, dense brown and crimson color. I knew the shot was strong although I wanted to get as much of a bang possible as I was not sure if I would ever have the chance to do what I was about to do.

Once again, I removed my shirt, held my breath and waited for the veins to appear on the sides of my neck. I inserted the point of the needle and hit the plunger. Again, seven seconds later I could smell and taste the dope and coke. I felt the all too familiar, beautiful force of the combination of these substances washing over my body. I looked in the mirror and watched the blood run from the side of my neck and down my chest. Everything in my vision was distorted. I could hear the sounds of the traffic outside. The noise became distant and louder. The sound was distorted and time to start and stop with each breath.

My mind floated on the cocaine and I could feel the warm sensation travel from the back of my neck and travel down the base of my spine. The dope erased all thoughts of doubt or fear around the decision to pick up a needle once again. This lasted for about 10-12 seconds. I knew it was not the best idea although I didn’t care. I was caught up in the moment of it all. As I leveled off, I let the reality of what I had done settle in. I knew if I kept on going, I was not going to get back to base and the likelihood of getting strung out was in the cards.

That was the last time I shot anything and managed to get out lucky.

I have reflected on that moment many times since that morning and for one reason or another, I got clear. I left SF a few hours later and got on the bart train home to the East Bay. Tony went to a friend at 8 am and I went home. I spent the rest of the day in bed. I dropped a hardy dose of tranquilizers every couple of hours and smoked the rest of the black tar H off of foil. Chasing the white smoke for a few hours until the foil was streaked with black trails. When I woke up the following morning, that was that. I had smoked all of the tar.

That was the last time I used a needle or had any injections outside of the hospital. That was the last time I shot anything.

Finding buprenorphine

Through the years, I have received many injections of dilaudid, morphine, lorazepam, versed (short acting diazepam), promethazine, etc. Everytime I received an injection in the hospital, that all too familiar rush would hit me and remind me of how grand it felt, and how dire it was to remember that the rush was the beginning of a long and dangerous road.

Putting the needle down was the first step in a long, drawn out process. Somewhere in 2004, about a year before my first major surgery, I was speaking with a friend who introduced me to buprenorphine Hcl. He had two milligram Suboxone pills. He gave me about seven of them and I hid them for a while. One morning I woke up and was out of opiates. I took a few diazepam and decided to see how effective Suboxone really was.

I remember dropping three of the small orange pills under my tongue and sat down to wait and see what happened. After about ten minutes, all of the anxious feelings I had melted away. My muscles were relaxed and my mind was at ease. The diazepam was addressing my anxiety and the buprenorphine erased any feelings of withdrawal. It was very similar to methadone, only cleaner. I realized later that buprenorphine was a partial agonist and would not get me as sleepy as methadone yet was just as precise.

I had energy and was not focused on obtaining more opiates. I told myself that I would obtain a prescription one day and felt a sense of hope that I may have found a way to free myself of the dependence on opiates I had been battling for years.

Surgery, and steadying out

Although I obtained a prescription for Suboxone shortly after my first use, I continued to use other opiates on and off for a couple years. I had my first major surgery in the fall of 2005 and although I stayed clear of the needle, I was still using pills on a regular basis.

After my surgery, I was staying with my parents in the East Bay. It turned out I had to return to the hospital a week later for a second surgery as my wound was infected and had to be cleaned up. This resulted in an open wound on my stomach which had to heal from the inside out. I had to pack it with gauze and bandage it several times a day. It took about two years for the wound to fully heal. In that time, I got back on buprenorphine and took diazepam as well. My life finally began to even out.

Staying steady over the years

Throughout the following years I worked at a couple different jobs and became quite successful. I made a point of living as healthy as possible. I recognized that I was still using pharmaceutical drugs and could not allow myself to return to my previous way of life.

Despite the fact that I was no longer running around the streets of San Francisco every day selling and using drugs, I always remembered where I came from and what could happen if I did not respect the past and how easy it was for me to backslide into active addiction.

As time went by, I continued to use my medication in a responsible manner. I drew from past experience and knowledge I obtained in treatment and tried to help others as much as I could. Honestly, helping others is still something I find very helpful and continue to lend a hand to anyone who is suffering from addiction.

I have come to realize that staying humble and teachable as well as helping others have all been valuable tools in helping me keep my head straight and my feet on the ground. I used some very non traditional methods of healing throughout the years. I have found healing in Cannabis and all its analogs. I also found myself utilizing psychedelic drugs as well as herbs and amino acids for mental and physical health. I have engaged in a lot of behaviors and used a lot of substances throughout the years to not only deal with physical ailments as well as get my head right.

Reevaluating buprenorphine maintenance

In 2017 I had been on buprenorphine maintenance for years. I started in 2006 and had been on buprenorphine and diazepam daily. I realized it was important to reset my body and mind and obtain a baseline to evaluate my needs with medication and in general. I had lived with physical pain as well as anxiety, chronic mild depression, for years. I was haunted by the memories of losing my father and all the wreckage from addiction and the often horrible situations I trudged through while I was shooting dope and surviving on the street.

After almost 30 days of ridding my body of buprenorphine, my system was clear. In evaluating how I felt once I was off of it, I realized that buprenorphine maintenance made sense. As I approached 2018, I was still an addict. I still had anxiety and panic disorder, chronic pain, Crohn’s Disease, and years of experience with addiction. I made the decision to go back on buprenorphine maintenance and remain on diazepam.

Why I stay on it

I have encountered a lot of people, including myself that want to get off buprenorphine once they have been on it for a while. I felt that way at times and realized that there are more reasons to continue using it rather than getting off it for the sake of not relying on anything to live life.

I find that people want to quit using buprenorphine on principle and think that relying on a maintenance medication is weak or not conducive with their recovery. I realize that making decisions like that are destructive and contradict good health. I realized there is nothing wrong or taboo about using buprenorphine to stay off other opiates. It helps me with cravings as well as pain.

I would rather use buprenorphine for my chronic pain than something like oxycodone. Short acting and even extended release opiates are quick solutions to conditions that produce chronic pain. Even though buprenorphine is more mild, it still helps me greatly with pain and keeps me safe from using harder drugs like heroin and dilaudid. I also used Cannabis and other drugs, herbs and amino acids such as L-Theanine. I found out what helped me and decided to use these agents to my advantage rather than destroying myself with them.

After another round of surgeries in 2018 and 2019, a temporary ileostomy bag, my wife and I having our daughter, dealing with COVID, and everything else life put in my path, I decided that while it is important for me to always respect substances, I would utilize them to my advantage. To this day, I am on buprenorphine maintenance through QuickMD. I have a medical team and see my psychiatrist monthly.

My regimen today

My daily regimen consists of buprenorphine, clonazepam, baclofen, and promethazine. I also use Cannabis and all its analogs such as CBD, CBG, CBC, CBN, as well as delta 9 THC and THC-V. I don’t use psychedelics anymore except for the occasional dose of psilocin or 4-HO-DET. Those agents help me get my mind right. I use them as needed and only once in a great while. I have also been known to utilize kratom when I have pain that is severe enough that buprenorphine is not enough. Like any drug, kratom can be abused and should also be respected.

What I’ve learned

What I have learned over the years is that everyone is different and there is not one way to get clean or recover from drug abuse. My experience worked and works for me because I work at it and constantly adapt and evolve as life changes. I do not deal in absolutes and always remember that there are many ways to live a healthy, functional life.

Some folks use the 12 step program. Others find religion. Some people never get clear of drug use and unfortunately, many people die from it. While there is not a single cure for addiction, there are many ways to get free from it and stay that way. It is a process and not something that happens overnight. I spent years battling in drug rehabs, detox centers, mental hospitals, jails, and living in residential hotels and on the streets fighting everyday to make it through alive. I have met many wonderful people as well as people that were involved in some dark and evil behaviors. Everyone has a different story.

Some make it out and a great many do not. I know that as long as I am humble, open to learning, and behave in a selfless way, I am in good shape. The second I start thinking that I am better than others or don’t need to remain humble around drugs, I am setting myself up for failure. At 53 years old, I realize that for me, liberation comes from being honest with myself, operating out of love rather than ego or negative thinking, as well as showing up for everyone I love and life in general.

I keep an open mind and never fool myself into thinking that there is only one way to live life. The second I stop being receptive to new ideas or ways of thinking, I am setting myself up for failure. Being strung out and sick all the time is miserable yet easy in that all you have to do is chase that next bag and shut out everything else in life. It is also the quickest way to an early grave and brings about an existence rooted in suffering. Eventually, that is all there is. I find that although life can be painful and very difficult, it is worth it.

I enjoy the challenges that life throws my way and am grateful to be present and able to feel a full range of feelings rather than blotting out reality and either being loaded, or dopesick. That gets old and is ultimately a cop out. After many years of experience and circumventing the control over every drug I have used and abused, I find myself in a place of peace.

Where I find peace

I am not religious although if I had to pick one, I would choose Mahayana Buddhism. That aligns with my beliefs and the way I view spirituality more than anything. I have a great deal of respect for anyone who finds peace and freedom from addiction and respect how they got there. As long as any method of getting healthy is helpful and not hurting anyone or anything, I have respect for it and think it is a positive force.

People use all sorts of ways of getting clear of addictions and my feeling is that if something works for someone, then all the power to them and what they need to do. I know what works for me and that is what I concern myself with. I am always happy to help anyone who needs it or reaches out. I believe that the more people are able to live healthy, happy, functional lives, the better. We need to help as many people beat addiction as possible. There is too much loss, suffering, pain and destruction that surrounds active addiction. I have seen it all my life and it is tragic.

A message to others

My goal is to live a happy, highly functional life, surrounded by those I love and have the ability to make a positive difference in the world. Entities like Quick MD, compassionate doctors, peers, family and friends are all instrumental in my life. If I never asked for help, I would not be writing this. I would have been dead a long time ago. My belief is that it is important to pay everything that has helped me forward.

If you are reading this and don’t see a way out of your addiction, you are always welcome to reach out. I am always grateful to help anyone who needs it, find their way out of their suffering. I can say without a doubt that utilizing entities like QuickMD, will be instrumental in helping get clear of hard drug dependence and suffering. As long as I remain humble, teachable, open minded and use everything at my disposal to live a healthy, happy and functional life, I can get through anything. I always tell anyone who is suffering to give themselves a chance and see what positive changes will yield. It is entirely possible to end suffering and obtain a second chance to have an excellent life.